i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
