Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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