I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
