so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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