I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
