when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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