i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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