I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I had to cum in my sink.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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