I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.