Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.