If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
