drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.