I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
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There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock