you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
