Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
