it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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