Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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