why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
