my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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