Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
