I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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