hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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