not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
