You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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