I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
