i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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