I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
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