You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
