quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Is it because I queefed?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
