Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Come on in and take your pants off
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