I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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