My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
