nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
