speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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