I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
