take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
