Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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