oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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