Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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