It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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