Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
