the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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