Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
