I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
