if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
