i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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