Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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