Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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