It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
