i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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