I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
a search helicopter?!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I AM VODKA MAN
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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