guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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