Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
