Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
