My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
