sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
