He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
two words: eviction party
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
