I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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