Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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