He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
