judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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