nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
