I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
