so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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